(Log) The Hollywood Romantic-Comedy Ending

From Megaman Mush Wiki

WHO: Dr. Regal, Kalinka, Quint, Skull Man
WHAT: Dr. Regal and Kalinka's Caribbean vacation ends horribly.
WHERE: Martinique
WHEN: August 2, 2221

SOME TIME AGO

"Well, Doctor Regal, maybe we should just... have some wine with dinner and see where we go from there? I mean, the vacation is almost over."

"(Sigh.) Leonard, please."

NOW

Kalinka's hand is slow but steady under the sheet. She herself is laying on top of them, curled into a coquettish pose while facing her co-vacationer. She wears a short negligee that opts to simply obscure rather than truly conceal. "Mm, Leonard," she says, approximating as much of a purr as a thick Russian accent will allow. "Do you like lights on, or lights off?"

Leonard Regal's focus is not entirely on Kalinka, even as her hand moves under the sheet; being a Wily, not getting emotionally attached to any part of the situation takes more effort than the situation itself. "... hm, off, I think," Leonard says, after a few seconds; his tone is not that different from normal. Either he is basically terrible at this or is trying to James Bond it. Neither of these options are very good.

There is a huge blue flash outside, and it turns out it's a TELEPORTER BEAM. Smashing through the East Window, trucks and wheels first, is SKULL MAN, holding a coffee cup full of Girl Beat! The very air seems to turn from sexual-tension-fused-with-expectation into a pea-soup-fog of guitar solo as the wheels on Skull Man's board spin, broken glass sliding off of his deck! "Room service!"

He is just getting the sickest air...

...And then the window on the other side of the room, the one overlooking the courtyard pool, there is a roar of an oldschool combustion engine, the fog of oily black smoke choking out any romantic thoughts as an angryfaced bright red JACKHAMMER OF LOVE suddenly interjects itself into the room, tears the television in half with it's diamond tipped tooth and begins to ring jaunty figure eights through the carpet.

Quint shrieks, broken glass sticking out of his hands and face and his clutches at his face in desperation as he tries to pick them out, but his hands are also full of glass and it only makes the cutting effect worse. "OH GOD THE PAIN! I MEAN DID SOMEONE ORDER ROCK AND ROLL FRENCH FRIES?" He begins to cry...

Kalinka's hand whips out from under the sheets, causing what will undoubtedly be a stain on the wall from the force of the action. "We didn't order any room service!" Kalinka squeaks in terror, lunging toward Regal as if demanding he save her from these brutes. "Or any french fries! Leonard, what's happening?!"

...and Skull Man just effortless soars over to him and there is this huge fucking FLYING HIGH FIVE between Skull Man and Quint. Skull Man just keeps going out the window Quint came in after the legendary five, and falls out the window into the pool after executing a perfect tailgrab-to-rock-n-roll and SPLASH.

"Yep, I'm staying in this pool til either the cops come or these queers empty it out. Pools aren't for swimming, they're for skating," he says to Girl Beat.

Leonard, mercifully, avoids causing any wall-related stains. "... god damn it, Quint!" Leonard shouts, once Skull Man flies back out of the room on his ridiculous skateboard; after a second, he adds, "Every damn time!!" Burning your hand on the cornballer, getting interrupted during sex by your subordinate Robot Masters, very similar things, very consistent things. He can't even get a more complex response out to explain this particular situation.

Quint screams as Skull Man slaps his hand, driving horrible wedges of glass RIGHT THROUGH his HAND. "OH MAH GAWD!" Quint shrieks as he pilots Sakugarne into the washroom slamming the door behind him. "Look, I'm just going to be a MINUTE. DON'T GET DRESSED!" he orders in his best 'boastful bellow' but ultimately sounding like a hurt little girl.

Quint says, "God, I love the cornballer, Do you have it with you?"

Kalinka wipes her hand under a pillow while watching Quint in horror. She turns toward Regal: "...Is this one of Video Man's plans? Is there a camera anywhere?" Well, probably, but not for this specific purpose. "Are we going to be on Zpunk'd or something?"

"I have no idea what is going on," Leonard says, shaking his head. "I don't think we're going to be on Zpunked." He is pretty nervous about the whole thing at this point because ROBOT MASTERS are in his HOTEL ROOM.

There are loud shrill cries of pain audible over the rumbling of Sakugarne's engine. "Just. A. OOOOWIE OWIE OWIE, Second. Okay!" The door opens and Quint is bleeding but marginally less impaled by shards of glass. He is clutching a mile high stack of FUTURE-HILTON bathroom towels, all stained with his kero-syrup coloured 'blood'.

"Allright you's guys..." Quint begins with false innocense from behind his leering pogo-steed's handlebrows. "I uh... I'm not interrupting anything am I?" He smirks.

"Yes, you are!" Kalinka squeaks, not so much defiantly as in confusion that Quint would even have to ask. "We're trying to have a romantic vacation and you're being awful and Video Man will have to pay for the stuff you're breaking and bleeding all over!"

Quint sighs and throws his hands up, palm out in defeat. "IT'S CALLED RHETORIC, KALINKA. GAAAAAAWD." He turns his attention to Regal and let's him have his chance to say something.

Regal completely squanders his chance to say something, either due to needing to recover from earlier actions taken or due to being completely shocked at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. His face is frozen in an expression of horror.

Quint nods. "I thought so. Anyway, we're taking the towels. I was just kidding about not getting dressed. Cuz I have super secret intel that you have a birthmark of a leaf between your um. Breasts?" Quint looks confused for a second. "I don't know what those are, but let's see them. Cuz you're like some kinda mystic chinese lady with a treasure map I can tell by your accent. So don't lie to me." He makes an angry face mimicking the much more severe and frightening one made by his pogo.

"Um." Kalinka stares over at Regal for a long moment. Finally, she says, "Say something, Leonard! Defend meee!" She whaps him on the shoulder, gently. "Beat him up! Well, no, don't, he's all cut up, it'd probably hurt so much. But... make him go away! Aaa!"

Getting hit on the shoulder seems to awaken Leonard from his momentary panic-trance; he gets up after, by some miracle, pulling his boxers back on in a completely unnoticeable manner. This may be important later.

"What are you doing here!?" he hisses at Quint. "You have the wrong room! Get out!" Hopefully this works. Regal does not hold out hope for it actually working, however.

Quint shakes his head. "Nope! We need a girl with a leaf to find the Heart of China or the Mother's Embrace I dunno. What I DO KNOW." Quint giggles as he begins picking bits of glass out of himself again, flicking them at the bed-bound 'lovers'. "Is that I'm pretty sure that's the name of the move I saw her doing when I came in here. It is like destiny."

Kalinka sighs. "Leonard, I'll... just show him that I don't have a birthmark, and we can try to get moved to another room." She shrugs the negligee down a bit -- "...oh, wow, I do have a birthmark."

SOME TIME AGO

"Okay, what do you want the tattoo of?"

"oh my god leaves are great couldn't you just picture yourself slowly floating to the ground on a fall day forever"

"A leaf it is."

NOW

Kalinka looks up and gives Quint a 'who knew?' shrug and frown. Then a more wide-eyed one at Regal.

This has veered so far out of Regal's comfort zone that all he can do is attempt to move his mouth in a manner conducive to speaking. He doesn't get anything out of it, though, and once again, manages to mostly just make himself look like an idiot.

Quint thumbs his chin thoughtfully, "Well Space Man, do you really think it was the Monkey Plants a Frond? I haven't seen that one but I hear it's... ... veeeeeery similar!" He shrugs. "I'm not sure. I wanted to learn monkey steals the peach but Mai said it wasn't really a 'sex move' so whatever. I mean I thought the whole trick was to just get a pizza and pretend your delivering it. That's the whole move."

He pauses and looks sternly across his 'audience' "Don't get fresh I wasn't trying that. We came here to get the towels. and the secrets of the Mother's Embrace so now that we have Kalinka we can go find Wood Man or this guy who looks just like him and we'll be able to find the treasure. " Quint pauses again and seems to relax a scoche, getting less 'intense'. "So what say we hit up the minibar, and you can come if you want. " The littlest Elite beams! "TREASURE! Come OOOON! Haha!"

"Wh..." Kalinka pulls her negligee back up and stares. "You /have/ me? What? ...Leonard, do you know anything about this? I'm really... I'm not even sure what he's talking about, but it... almost kind of makes sense..."

"... Not particularly, no," Leonard says, still completely confused by the whole affair. He can't even make sense of what most of Quint is saying; he lost the thread somewhere in the middle and, having seen the inside of Quint's brain, is too terrified to try to pick it up again. Quint smirks. "Of course I know what I'm talking about. I'm Quint."

BEFORE:

Quint is using Number Man's computer. Mini-ERWIN. He is looking at porn sites. At the indexes of free stuff because his credit cards were denied since Pirate Pizza destroyed Bounce Burger in the Fast Food fights of 22XX and therefor his corporate accounts can't exist anymore. He clicks on the Voyeur link.

		TOP SECRET UPSKIRT CAMERA

The website title proclaims, and we see 12 thumbnails of a woman undressing in a San Angeles Mall Restroom, Quint scans them quickly, taking her shirt off, getting all wet in the sink, doing a rail off the back of the toilet. Pulling a stainless steel pencil out of her purse. Using it to write herself, what at this small resolution Quint assumes to be grocery lists on her panties, which is not the case whatsoever. In fact the last 6 images are rather graphic demonstrations of the artful use of the pocket rocket. But Quint clicks on the taking her shirt off picture instead. He blinks as the LEAF becomes much more visible. His jaw hangs open and a fly flies on in. 

NOW: 

Quint chuckles, "See I even knew about your ancient chinese secret, chinese lady! our intelligence network, involving people much more competent than Shadow Man are superfluous! Inescapable! Mwahahaha haha!" He coughs, "Hahahaha ha."

"Is this about something from when I was in the Hunters?" Kalinka squeaks, still clinging to Regal. "I haven't hung out with those guys in years! Uh, except for when I was at Castle Schwarzheim today but that was just a mix-up, I promise!"

Quint says, "Are you even listening to me? It's about treasure. Do you like treasure? I sure do." "This had better be some amazing treasure," Regal says, sounding pretty grumpy about the whole business.

"...is it amazing treasure?" Kalinka asks.

Quint grins and picks up the phone that's been knocked off the table when Sakugarne came in. He leans off the pogostick as he hangs the phone back up and then lifts the reciever dialing speed dial for Room Service. Sakugarne weaves tiny concentric circles around the carpet from the shifted weight. "Of course it is amazing! I am Amazing! WE ARE INSEP- Oh Hello."

He puts a hand over his mouth in case Kalinka and Regal keep talking, "Yes we need to order like um 7 extra large Big Sausage Pizzas. Umm 81 blue rare T-Bone steaks, and a family size side of Rock And Roll French Fries. " He removes the hand and winks at Regal, "Okay... Not it's time to show off my moves." He then turns back to the phone. "What? Charge it to the room. The one I'm in. Yeah you're a smartass too, uh huh. The one I'm calling from, right. Yeah Vincente Sumiyama, that's my name, charge it to me." Quint hangs up the phone and and beams at the pair on the bed. "You're chinese, it's some ancient treasure of the Dragon Emperor that made him master of china and also abominable snowmen. You know that right?"

"I'm... Chinese?" Kalinka gapes. "But," she replies in her comically thick Russian accent, "I'm Russian!"

Quint says, "That's a Dynastic Province I'm unfamiliar with. Oh wait, you guys like blue steaks right? I forgot to ask, everyone else is so easy to order for." Regal, after a few seconds, musters a "Yes."

"Y-Yes," Kalinka says. "So... what do you need me for, then? Can't you just go... find treasure?"

Quint grins, "Good, well then I'm glad you're all onside with this. " He pauses, and blinks at Kalinka. "No no, your Leaf it is part of the map. Now we need to find a man made of wood and then we will have a whole tree. And it will lead us with it's shadow to the Mother's Embrace. The first of the three RICE HIDDEN TREASURES."

Quint rolls his eyes. "Anyway, I need you to escort me to a wild animal safari tomorrow as it will be a stealth job and will require me to go undercover! Hopefully there's no more questions, this is pretty simple stuff and I am pretty hungry. So maybe we can watch TV until the food gets here."

He then pogos around to see the TV is CLEAVED IN HALF! He 8O faces at it, and then snaps his fingers diving beneath it's wreckage to open the minibar, where he starts mixing cocktails. "Is there at least a deck of cards in the desk guys? You're all too tense, we could play sociables."

"I, uh." Kalinka looks to Regal for guidance.

Leonard /assumes/ Quint works, which may indeed be a dangerous assumption.

"... I have to use the restroom," Leonard says, slowly moving toward the shower. Hopefully Kalinka does not stay latched on like some kind of sexy remora.

Kalinka lets Regal go, looking like a puppy that just got left in the pound. Still, he's got a sound excuse, right?

Quint nods. "Yeah umm, Just, aw forget about it." He winks to Kalinka as the door closes. "I was going to warn him about the broken glass in the toilet paper. But he'll figure it out." He makes bedroom eyes and a come hither gesture before he throttles his Pogo stick. Sakugarne roars and drives foreward, splitting the bed in two as Quint grabs Kalinka in a dangerous Fire Man carry, and bounces out the window Skull Man originally broke!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LEONAAAARRRRRDDDD THIS WAS FUN UNTIL QUINT CAME WE SHOULD DO IT AGAIN SOME TIIIIIIIIIIII--" and Kalinka's gone.

Quint says, "What's not fun about right now! It's like the drop of doom, but free! Look, I'm the party guy, not Skull Man? Okaaaaaaaa....."

Regal stops in mid-boxer drop, peeking out the door in response to Kalinka being Kalinkanapped. Shrugging, he goes back toward the shower.